EBW UnCut

Live! From the NCAA (Nacho Cheese Administration Arena) in Williamsport, PA!

The following presentation is rated R (For language and extreme violence)
Viewer discretion is advised.
Close captioning where it is available by pressing the CC button on your controller.
Trust us, it's there.
Now available in High Definition (HD)!

Note: The matches are truly fictional and scripted. This show isn't meant to put any team, player, member, race, or culture down. This is just for fun, so if you don't like it then you have the right to read another blog. Being that I've written wrestling storylines and I'm familiar with the business, I decided to create this. Again, this is scripted, so the outcome of the matches might not be what you expect in trying to put together entertainment for members and fans. Enjoy, and DO NOT take this seriously.

Written by Paul Huffaker.

(UnCut opens with highlights from the Pay-For-View spectaclular, BWE/EBW No Recovery! Match highlights are punctuated by show commentary.

Joe Payne: A brand new championship, and champion, will be crowned right here on the grand stage! … the title can be challenged for anywhere, anyplace, anytime! … Reignblood just powerbombed T&R Guy on a sprint over the top rope out onto both Dking & Enova! … These guys aren’t going to stop fighting until they get to the county line! They are on the outside of the building… T&R Guy is trying to escape this brawl and he’s on a bus! … The bus is leaving, with 4 EBW superstars and a Hardcore Championship match on-board! … The bus just pulled over… in OKLAHOMA??? … Reignblood just whipped T&R Guy into the front door and it came right off the hinges! They are beating the hell out of each other in someone’s home! … Dking has Enova and DDT’ed him onto a young boy’s Happy Meal! … Dking just german suplexed Enova right through the bay window, which shattered!!! … There is literally a path of destruction from Dallas, Texas to Norman, Oklahoma!

Nancy Pelosi: The Underage Bloggers Policy is officially scrapped as of now.
David Funk: Ladies and gentleman, the new GM of BWE Throwdown!
(Afrank Angle comes out to red, white, and blue confetti.)
Afrank Angle: I'm going to clean up BWE Promotions for the better regardless of what a particular power-hungry EBW GM thinks!
Pelosi: EBW will NOT be allowed to sign talent within the U.S. for at least one year.
Funk: Here's the new Management Director of EBW… Ron Centeno!
Ron Centeno: It's time for payback from these fans, Paul!
Sabre Blade: What does Ron mean about payback to Paul?

Jaysfan: We are calling out any two jabronis in the back to come out here and get their asses kicked!
Joe: Geek in the Pink with the sick flip piledriver!!! He calls that Hell Frozen Over!!! What a devastating move! And here comes another. Jaysfan has Thumbito set up for the Backbreaker Faceplant, which he calls the Cold Snap. Bam! He hits it with force! … Synchronized T-DOT!!! What a spectacular flight!... EBW may regret the day Congress allowed the youngsters to get in the ring.

Joe: 6 men will walk in, but only one will grab the blog scroll which has the guaranteed title shot contract inside it. And the only way to grab it is to climb a 15 foot high ladder and reach high… Just climb and get the contract! This is your chance to become famous!!! … Philly and Lanz are battling throughout the ringside area, Philly’s up against the security wall. Big clothesline and they both tumble over into the crowd!

Sabre: Philly’s running hard. Up the ladder ramp! That is unbelievable!!! He ran up the ladder ramp and clotheslined 3rdStone off the top! As he was coming down, Fanofreds caught him and powerbombed him onto Y3F7, who had fallen off the ladder!

Joe: Everyone is down! … Lanz & Z have battled up to the ledge of the second level! Z is teetering dangerously on the edge! Lanz charges, flips over Z and drives them both off the second level with a seated powerbomb through the table from earlier!!! WE NEED MEDICAL HELP NOW!

Sabre: Yankees3Fan7 is on his feet and he is tipping the ladder over! OH NO! Philly & 3rdStone plummeted off the ladder, out of the ring & through the double stacked square of 4 tables on the outside!!!

Joe: This is turning into a car wreck… Philly refuses to stay down!!! He’s limping back into the ring, desperately trying to stop Y3F7! Y3F7 pie-faces Philly and he is falling off the ladder, out of the ring through another table!... Yankees3Fan7 gives a snide smirk to the camera and pulls down the contract to win the first-ever Money in the Blog Ladder match! …Y3F7 just spit on Lanz as his stretchered passed by! What a jackass! Mrs. Lanz is irate, giving Y3F7 a piece of her mind! What? NO! Y3F7 snapped! He’s grabbed Mrs. Lanz, DON’T DO THIS! NO! Yankees3Fan7 just powerbombed Mrs. Lanz through the last table left here at ringside! Why in the hell did he do that?

Joe: Two of our best high-flyers, exclusively on EBW, are set to put on a dazzling show on our biggest stage! … Wassup comes off with a missile dropkick! Great execution! Here’s the cover! 1-2… kickout! Wassup is stunned… Fbkid steps out onto the apron, slingshot in and hits a big leg drop! … Wassup hits a wheelbarrow stungun across the top rope! His throat right across the top rope! That’s gotta be it! 1-2, he kicks out! … OH MY GOD!!! I have never seen anything like that!!! A Shooting Star Press which ended with a DDT! The SSP-DT!!! New Champion crowned here at No Recovery, and they pulled out all the stops to make this the match of the year candidate!

Sabre: Even though the title is a BWE property, it has been worn exclusively by two very hot EBW divas. But that could change tonight.

Joe: Tex is the hometown favorite here... Hey wait! T&R Girl is laying down for Soadrules! 1-2… Oh thank goodness! Tex just kicked Soad hard in the head to break the sure three! Tex is pissed! Tex is punching Soad so hard, her knuckles are beginning to bleed! …Soad has the title belt and she blasts Growwl in the face with as Tex is forced to watch! This is disgusting!

Sabre: Tex ducked and Soad clobbered T&R Girl with the title belt!

Joe: Someone from the audience just stood up from their seat, folded it up and clobbered Soadrules with it! It’s Miatay!!! Mia has extracted a measure of revenge against the Agents of Chaos here tonight! Growwl is up and she spears Tex! Cover, 1-2-3! That came out of nowhere!

Guardian of the Galaxy: I’m going to make this short and sweet. I am the Champion. I am the most dominate Champion EBW has ever seen. I am not scared of the cage. I’m not worried about “the prophecy.” And I’m damn sure not worried about someone I’ve already beaten, 1-2-3, in the middle of the ring. I have no worries, because this belt right here (holds up the title), this says I’m the best in the world! And I am going to prove that, tonight!

The Phoenix: I start tonight by eliminating one ineffective GM, and then I will eliminate the rest of management. It is necessary, and it is the only way.

Paul Huffaker: This match is going to be dangerous, barbaric, savage. We will revert to animalistic instincts in that cage. We will bleed; our bodies will be riddled with permanent reminders of this night. But the best reminder will be when I step into this Office after the match and the EBW Heavyweight Championship is still in the possession of the AOC.

Lester’s Legends: I have 3 goals in mind tonight. One, I’m gonna whip a man’s ass! Two, I’m gonna get my hands around the EBW GM’s scrawny little neck and squeeze the life out of his body! Paul, I’m going to make you suffer! After all the hell you put me though. After all the hell you’ve put EBW through, turning into your personal playground, I’m going to hurt you. And I will enjoy doing so. Three, I’m going to become the new EBW Champion! And I don't care who I have to go through in that cage to do it!

Joe: This is the most frightening thing I have ever seen. This giant cage is surrounding the ring, enclosing it and its combatants. There is barbed wire everywhere on it. On the walls, it is like vines in a jungle. The only part of the cage not covered in the wire is the roof of the structure. This damn thing looks absolutely terrifying. And in just a moment, four superstars will risk their careers—and more importantly, their lives—in an attempt to call themself the EBW Heavyweight Champion. I just hope the casualties are minimal.

Remember, this match is under elimination rules. Only one man will be left standing at the end. What is he doing? Paul is laying down and telling Guardian to pin him! What a cheap way to escape the cage! 1-2, Lester just kicked Guardian in the head to break the pin! It’s on! … Paul has the deer in the headlights look as Lester & Phoenix climb out of the ring to the dangerous ringside area. They are slowly closing on him from both sides. Phoenix lunges for him, but Paul slides into the ring at the last second, and that lunge may have cost Phoenix as he is face-first into the barbed wire!

Paul has the deer in the headlights look as Lester & Phoenix climb out of the ring to the dangerous ringside area. They are slowly closing on him from both sides. Phoenix lunges for him, but Paul slides into the ring at the last second, and that lunge may have cost Phoenix as he is face-first into the barbed wire! Paul is howling in pain as the barbed wire rips and tears at every inch of his flesh!

The EMT just grabbed a kendo stick and is whacking the GM, who is still stuck to the cage! Wait a minute! That’s… is it? It is! Gymrome!!! Gymrome is here, beating the holy hell out of the man who unceremoniously fired him last year! The sins of the GM are being repaid in full with interest!

Gym throws down the kendo stick and yanks Paul off the wall! There is blood everywhere… Paul has the key to the padlock! He is escaping the cage! The padlock is open and Paul’s dragged out a ladder! Paul is on the roof of the cage. Security is coming to take Gymrome away. Lester is on a dead sprint from the cage to the ladder! All four men have escaped the cage and are standing on its roof! Lester has Paul by the throat. OMG! NO!!! Lester chokeslammed Paul on top of the cage, and it gave way underneath the GM, who plummeted to the mat below!!!

Somebody stop the damn match! The crowd is chanting “EBW,” but good lord, someone check on the man! Even Lester is standing shocked at what just happened! What in the hell is Guardian of the Galaxy doing? Don’t do this! They are tied up now and struggling to get the advanta… OMG! … They just went over the top of the cage and fell 25 feet, the only thing saving them is the announce table they crashed through!!!

What is Lester…? He’s setting up for the Legend’s Elbow, but who is he…? Right through the hole in the top of the cage onto Paul below! The damnedest Legend’s Elbow I have ever seen in my life! 1-2-3! Paul Huffaker has been eliminated! Get EMTs NOW!!!

No! Guardian’s got one chair sandwiched around Phoenix’s left leg, near the ankle. NO!!! He just stomped on the chair, and may have broken his leg! You no good bastard! Now he’s got the chair under Phoenix’s head, don’t you do this! Con-chair-to! There’s a puddle of blood under Phoenix’s head from the initial chair shot, here’s the cover. 1-2-3! The Phoenix has been eliminated!

It is down to the Champion Guardian of the Galaxy and Lester’s Legends! One of these two is leaving No Recovery as the EBW Champion! He slammed Lester’s face into the cage wall, covered in the barbed wire!!! NO, not again! The flesh is ripping and tearing, and the cage could care less that man is being maimed! Once more? No! Lester somehow blocked the third time, and instead it is the Champion who tastes the wire!... Guardian of the Galaxy is now paying for the sins of the Agents of Chaos! Lester has his hands on the steel chair Guardian introduced earlier and there’s a shot to the head that floors gotg again! This crowd is electric! They want to see the Champion pay, and by God is he ever! Lester is under the ring, with another steel chair! He’s placing it under the Champion’s head. Con-chair-to!!! Guardian’s getting a taste of the AOC’s own medicine! Lester is grabbing some of the excess barbed wire and wrapping it around his elbow? OMG!!! The Legend’s Elbow with the barbed wire wrapped elbow! Lester is in pain, but here’s the cover! 1-2-3!!!

We have a new Champion!!! Lester’s Legends has done it! He has overcome a corrupt GM, an aggressive champion, and the road to No Recovery has led him to the EBW Championship! What a moment this is! Confetti is falling, and this crowd has absolutely come unglued in support of the NEW Champion! Lester is definitely showing the battle scars of what could be called one hell of a match, as his face is covered in blood, cuts all down the arm.

Look inside this cage. There is a red puddle where the GM literally stuck to the wall like it was made of Velcro instead of barbed wire. There is a giant hole in the top where he fell 15-25 feet to the mat below. My announce table is in pieces from The Phoenix and Guardian falling off the top through it. There is a red puddle where both Lester & Guardian went face-first into the cage wall, and the blue steel chair used for the final Con-chair-to is almost entirely red. The ref hands Lester the title, and several drops of his own blood fall onto it, after which he kisses it. Raise it high, Lester! You damn sure earned it! This is the price you must be willing to pay to become the Extreme Blog Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion!)

(The image of Lester celebrating his win fades out to the GM’s Office, where General Manager Paul Huffaker is sitting across the room from the new EBW Management Director Ron Centeno. Paul is clearly showing signs of the Hell Cage match from No Recovery, however, he continues to exude the confident arrogance that makes him dangerous.)

Paul: Allow me to be the first person to welcome you to EBW, Ron. I think you’re really going to like what I’ve done with the show.

Ron: Actually, David was the first to welcome me. And I can’t stand what you’ve done to EBW! That’s why I’m here; to clean up the mess you created. (Big face pop)

Paul: And I thought my jokes were bad. (Rolls eyes) Ok, whatever. I see you have a list of superstars from other countries that you have scouted since No Recovery. Good work. Although I am disgusted that the idiots in Congress put such a stupid sanction on EBW, all because our “illustrious” CEO doesn’t have brains enough to file the proper paperwork.

Ron: If you had shown them even the slightest bit of respect when you were called to testify, maybe they would have gone easier on you. But this is all your fault, in more ways than one.

Paul: Look, you’re only here for one reason, to be Dave’s lookout on EBW. I know that, so don’t try to put one over on me. And don’t give me that stupid look. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if you so much as sneeze funny at me, I will make sure the consequences are swift and severe.

Ron: Do not try to intimidate me. I have the full support of the Board of Directors, and I will have no problem getting my hands dirty to make sure EBW is running smooth.

(By this point they are standing toe-to-toe, in a stare-down, with clenched fists.)
Ron: And in my first act as Management Director, I’m making a match for tonight.

Paul: Go right ahead.

Ron: Tonight, we are going to have the first-ever, 12-Person Tag Team match…

Paul (interrupting): That’s just spectacular. We’ve never done that before.

Ron: I’m not done. It’s going to 12 of the biggest superstars and divas of EBW with each 6 person team led by a captain! And the captain will get to pick her own team, much like kids on a playground pick teams for sports. And it’s happening live, tonight on UnCut! (Face pop)

(Paul takes a cell phone call as he leaves the office.)

Ron: Fall of a tyrant.

(The opening theme song, “Rise Today” by Alter Bridge, and video plays! This is followed by large pyro as searchlights swarm the crowd, which is going crazy for EBW! The ring is completely darkened.)

Joe Payne: Hot off the heels of the biggest night in blog wrestling, we welcome you to EBW UnCut on Basic Bloganomics! Hello everybody! I’m Joe Payne, and I’m excited to be bringing you all the extreme action as only EBW can deliver! We are live in the home of Little League Baseball, Williamsport, Pennsylvania! And EBW is bringing a big league event to the little league city!

(Lights burst onto the ring, to reveal a celebration set-up.)
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the NEW EBW Heavyweight Champion! Lester’s Legends!!!

(Huge pyro for Lester around the arena as the Champion raises the title high and the crowd is electric for the new Champion!)

Joe: One of the most unforgettable moments of No Recovery! was seeing Lester score the 1-2-3 on Guardian of the Galaxy! And now, by order of new Management Director Ron Centeno, the Champion is getting a Championship Celebration!

(Lester goes around the ring side area, shaking hands and giving the fans this great moment. He finally gets into the ring, with a microphone, and raises the championship high once more to a tremendous pyro display!)
Lester: Hello Williamsport! (Cheap pop) It took us long enough, but for everyone who stuck with me on the road to the championship; I just want to say that we are the EBW Heavyweight Champion! I plan on defending against any and all challengers! So, to the boys in the back, if you want to take on the Champ, come and get it!

(Dking’s music hits, and a stunned crowd watches as he makes his way to the ring.)

Joe: This is unexpected. The first-ever EBW Hardcore Champion is on his way to the ring. What’s he up to?

Dking: Lester, I want to come out here and say congratulations on your big win. I know how hard you worked, and how much this means to you. And I’m sure you have something you would like to say.

Lester: Dking, why are you out here?

Dking: Well, I did win the new Hardcore Championship at No Recovery. I thought maybe you…

Lester: Dking, you know I respect what you’ve done both in blogging and in this ring, but to compare your championship win to mine is the most asinine thing you’ve ever done. Do you realize that I finally got to take out my frustration on the GM? He will never be the same! I destroyed Guardian! And I’m still in ass kicking mode! So, unless you want to be the next in a long line of guys who got their asses kicked by the EBW Champion, I suggest you leave. (Face heat)

Dking: Perhaps I should. But before I go…

Joe: WTH? Dking just decked Lester! (Heel pop) And here they go! Lester takes down Dking, and they are trying to get in shots on the other while they are on the ground. They work to the corner, and Dking slides out of the ring, and grabs his Hardcore Title too. Referees are out to separate these two, keeping Lester in the ring while Dking is resting on the security barrier. One of the fans is giving Dking some grief, and draws Dking’s attention.

Watch out! Lester slides out of the ring and clotheslines Dking over the security barrier and into the crowd! One of our fans just got inadvertently hit as the Hardcore Champion flew over the barrier. The referees are restraining Lester and sending the EBW Champion to the back. Wait a minute! The fan is telling one of the referees to count? The Fan covers Dking! 1-2-3! Holy crap! We have a new Hardcore Champion! The new Champion grabs the title and takes off for the locker room. We’re going to try to get a word with that fan, when we come back!

Blog Commercial:
The Champ has arrived in EBW! Lester’s Legends, the new EBW Heavyweight Champion, is in a giving mood. He is giving the gift of Fantasy Sports insight you will find nowhere else. So if your Fantasy sports team is falling through the standings fast, head over to his site and get the inside scoop!

(As the camera returns, we see JDIN827 chasing after the new Hardcore Champion.)
JD: Hold up! I just want to get a quick word with you!

(The Champion pauses and shows his face to JD, who is astonished.)
JD: I don’t believe it! How did you get in the building? Look out!

(Dking comes out of nowhere and smacks the Hardcore Champion hard in the back. As he falls to his knees, Dking swings another chair shot to the back of the head. The crowd begins booing the ex-champion.)
JD: What’s wrong with you?

(Dking pulls the nearest ref and demands he count as Dking gets the cover. 1-2-3!)
Joe: Did Dking just win back his title? (Big heel pop)
JD: Get out of here! Are you ok, Gym?

(The camera pans over the broken body to reveal…)
Joe: Oh my God! It’s Gymrome!

(Camera cuts back to the GM’s Office where Ron is watching the show on an HD monitor. Paul walks in, still on his AT&T cell phone and we hear the tail end of the conversation.)

Paul: I know. If you are trying to rattle me, why don’t you just come to the show? Oh, that’s right; you’re busy sitting behind your desk. Are you still kissing up to Maxi & Twinks? I know that Afrank Angle is just a puppet. I know who’s really running ThrowDown. I’m not concerned of your “consequences.” As far as I’m concerned, you’re just spitting words, Dave.

(He presses the end button on the phone, cutting off his caller in mid-sentence.)
Ron: So that’s how you negotiate with The Boss. No wonder he put you in the Hell Cage.

Paul: I hope this diatribe has an intermission, because I really have to pee.

Ron: Thanks for that.

Paul: Since I like the first match you made, I thought I’d let you handle the Lester/Dking situation.

Ron: And I have a great idea for that too. The first-ever Champion vs. Champion match! We also need to discuss this situation with Gymrome.

Paul: Have the hospital send over the bill and I’ll pay it.

Ron: Actually, you have a bigger problem than that. Since Gymrome just won the Hardcore Title, he automatically receives a one year contract.

Paul: Damn! The “Champions Clause.” I should have known that one would bite me. Oh well. It doesn’t violate the signing sanctions, and I kind of respect the chaos Gym has created. Let’s just keep him on the roster, and invite him back with his first match back being on CutDown.

Ron: CutDown? What’s that?

Paul: It’s the new, shorter, syndicated show I’ve been working on with Dave to give our newer stars a chance to showcase their skills without the pressure of being on UnCut or ThrowDown. It’s going to be a great new addition to our programming, and it doesn’t violate any of our congressional sanctions, no matter how stupid those sanctions are. I’ll tell you more about it later, but right now, I need to head to the ring for a big announcement on how we will decide the new #1 Contender for the EBW Heavyweight Championship.

Ron: One last thing. Is it true?

Paul: Is what true?

Ron: Rumor has it you hired a secretary for the Agents of Chaos. And you hired someone unexpected.

Paul: I’m an equal opportunity employer, Ron. Yes, I did hire a secretary for the AOC, and she is someone that I have been impressed with their determination.

Ron: So you hired…?

(The door opens and Ron stands shocked as the AOC’s Secretary walks in)
Paul: I hired Miatay. I’ve decided that it is time to admit my mistakes with her, and hope that she will be another valued member of the elite group in blog wrestling.

Miatay: I’m not really sure I fit in this.

Paul: Mia, you have nothing to worry about. After what you have done in this year, you’ve more than proven you can create chaos at a whim. Now, you have a great opportunity to assert dominance in the Women’s Division and in EBW. Did you do what I asked?

Mia: Not yet, they want to wait until just after.

Paul: Good. I’ll meet with you after the announcement. Good luck.

(Miatay leaves, visibly distraught.)
Ron: I don’t like what I heard.

Paul: Hmmm… sucks to be you then.

Blog Commercial:
What separates good from great? What makes a blogger elite? What makes someone a championship blogger and one who strives for the best in writing excellence? How does one define greatness? Basic Bloganomics presents the return of World Blogging Entertainment's Blog of Fame voting! WBE will have voting to determine the inductees for the 2009 Blog of Fame class! More details will be announced on the Basic Bloganomics network.

(Camera cuts to the stage, where GM Paul Huffaker is standing with microphone in hand, being cascaded with boos.)
Paul: I have had a rough couple of months, so I would appreciate it if all of you would just shut up so I can… (The booing grows louder.) …so I can make an important announcement. As all of you know, Lester’s Legends is the new EBW Champion (Big face pop). Yeah, great (rolls eyes). Now, we need to determine his first challenger, and since, unbeknownst to me, Dave added a no rematch clause to the contracts for the match at No Recovery!, I have no one to name #1 Contender.

So what I have created is the most unique, innovative, and dangerous concept ever to hit blog wrestling! It’s called, the Ultimate Spin Challenge! A single-elimination tournament of 16 EBW superstars, and it won’t just be the same guys who have main evented our previous shows. No, I’m all about opportunity. Earlier today, I had everyone who was interested, write their name on a slip of paper and drop it in a tumbler. What I did earlier this afternoon is have my secretary draw the names—at random—and place them—also at random—into a tournament bracket. The bracket will be posted on the web site later this month, along with a preview of the tournament by our very own Joe Payne.

But what makes this tournament so unique is The Spin. At the conclusion of each match in the tournament, excluding the Semi-Finals, the winner of the match will earn a spin of the wheel. The wheel can award things like a free berth to the finals, the chance to pick the stipulation of the next tournament match, and even the chance to step in my shoes and book any type of match for an episode of EBW UnCut! (Face pop) However, the wheel can also take away. You can lose your spot in the tournament, lose the right to compete for the championship, or even lose your job! (Big heel pop) And since it’s such a high risk, high reward proposition, the winner of the match can also elect to give their spin to the loser of the match. Just in case any of our superstars have lost their manhood.

Matches will take place here on UnCut and also on our new show CutDown, which will be debuting in 2010. We will post information about the show very soon. Now then, let’s get to the first match of the tournament!

Ring Announcer: The following contest is the first match in the Ultimate Spin Challenge! Introducing first, from the Sunshine State of Florida, representing the Agents of Chaos, here is Guardian of the Galaxy!
(Guardian makes his way to the ring amid searchlights and pyro. The sold out crowd is raining boos on him.)

RA: And his opponent, From the Hornets’ Nest, this is the man called Stung!
(Stung’s music plays, but he does not appear. The Ring Announcer repeats the introduction, but still no Stung. Suddenly, the E-Screen cuts to a shot backstage of Stung, laid out in the locker room, with a lead pipe lying next to him.)

Joe: Oh no. Stung has been attacked backstage! Our medical staff is on the scene tending to him, and they have already called for the ambulance. This is sickening. Why would anyone pick on this guy? Not to say he could not win a match with Guardian, but I think most of our fans would admit Stung beating Guardian would be an upset.

(Camera cuts to the ring where Paul & Guardian are standing.)
Paul: Guardian, why in the hell would you take him out?

GOTG: I didn’t do that! I wanted to beat that little punk 1-2-3 in the middle of my ring! I’m a Champion! I don’t need to sneak attack someone like him.

Paul: I’m not sure who did this, but I guess the only right thing to do is declare Guardian of the Galaxy the winner, by forfeit of course. (Big heel pop)

GOTG: I wanted to put on a great match for the fans, but if my opponent can’t compete, what can I do?

Paul: Alright guys, I need the wheel.

(Stage hands haul a large wheel, similar to that on Wheel of Fortune, to the ringside area.)
Joe: Holy crap! This is diabolical! The possibilities of this spin could change the course of EBW! But it all reeks of AOC if you ask me! Guardian gives the wheel a big spin. It’s really going fast! It is finally slowing down, passes over Book A Match, past Free Cheese, Slowing down on You’re Fired! But it stops on Free Spin. Huh?

Paul: Congratulations Guardian! You have earned a bonus spin! You can take the spin yourself, or you can force it upon any member of the EBW roster! And you can wait to make your spins. Either way, you have advanced to the Round of 8!

Joe: This smells worse than past its prime beef, ladies and gentleman. I’m being told that our backstage interviewer JD is trying to get a word with Miatay. We will have that interview when we come back!

Blog Commercial:
Now that he’s allowed in the ring, Jaysfan will by wow-ing fans in two ways! One, his amazing skills in the ring; two, the best blog on the net! Get some opinions from the Great White North!

JD: Welcome back to EBW UnCut! I’m here with Miatay, and I have to ask the question. Why have you affiliated yourself with the AOC?

Mia: JD, I haven’t affiliated myself with them, I accepted a job offer. I have no interest whatsoever in…

(Yankees3Fan7 walks into the picture.)
Y3F7: This interview is over. Come on, Mia. We need to discuss how you did, and where you need to improve.

JD: What?

Y3F7: Like I said, interview over.

(The camera angle begins to fade, but as Y3F7 & Mia walk off, the microphone picks up a small piece of their conversation.)
Mia (to Y3F7): At first, I didn’t want to do it, but now I… I feel different. I don’t understand it.

(Camera cuts to Joe Payne at the Announce Table.)
Joe: What was Y3F7 talking about? Hang on… what? I apologize to our fans; I’m being relayed a message. Guardian has selected who he will give his Free Spin to, and it will be 3rdStoneFromTheSun spinning the wheel tonight! And we can confirm another matchup in the USC (Ultimate Spin Challenge)! 3rdStone vs. T&R Guy is scheduled, but that match is now dependent on the spin of the wheel!

Looks like the Captains are on their way to the ring to pick their teams for the 12-Person Tag.

Ron Centeno: Wait! Before the captains pick their teams, I’m making a change to the match. After the obvious set-up on Stung, I have decided Guardian must compete tonight! So he will be one of the 10 superstars to be picked from! And here are the Captains! Your Fairy Thumbmother and Soadrules!

YFT: With the first pick, I’ll take Miatay, and the second pick will be The Phoenix!

Soad: Our picks will be the lovely T&R Girl and the dominant Guardian of the Galaxy.

YFT: I pick the EBW Lightweight Champion Fbkid!

Soad: I choose one of the hottest young stars on EBW, Jaysfan.

YFT: And I’ll take Reignblood!

Soad: We will be happy to choose 3rdStoneFromTheSun.

YFT: I can’t pass up the “Nacho Cheeser!” Right here in his hometown! (Cheap pop) Fanofreds, you’re on our team!

Soad: And that leaves Wassup to join the winning team. YFT, we’re gonna wipe the mat with your ugly face!

12-Person Elimination Tag Team Match:
Team YFT- (YFT, Mia, Fbkid, Reignblood, Phoenix, & Fanofreds) vs. Team Soad- (Soadrules, T&R Girl, Jaysfan, Guardian of the Galaxy, 3rdStone, & Wassup)

Joe: The matchups in this big match are intriguing. Imagine if the Captains get a hold of each other! Or The Phoenix & Guardian! I could go on, but luckily the bell has rung and we are underway with the biggest match in EBW history! Looks like the divas will start, Soadrules & Your Fairy Thumbmother. But Soad wants Miatay. And after what happened at No Recovery, payback is on her mind. This is going to be an elimination style match, so one pin or submission does not end it. You have to eliminate the whole team to win. That adds to the difficulty and danger. You could potentially have a 3-on-1 situation or worse.

YFT charges and drops Soad with a clothesline! What the hell is Jaysfan up to? He’s off the apron and is sneaking around the ringside area. He’s supposed to stay on his own side of the ring and wait for the tag. He just pulled Fanofreds off the apron! (Big heel pop) And whips him hard into the security wall! The ref is trying to restore order, but Jaysfan is whaling on the “Professor of Nachology.” Cold Snap! No!!! Jaysfan hits his signature move on Fanofreds, and he is out cold, no pun intended! This hometown crowd is letting Jaysfan hear it. They are not happy!

The ref is in Jaysfan’s face, and I think he’s going to DQ him for illegal interference! That’s the right thing to… Holy Crap! Jaysfan just dropped the referee with a Cold Snap too! The match has damn neared stopped thanks to this, as the 10 superstars look on in stunned disbelief. WTH? Soadrules just kicked a nasty field goal on Reignblood! And that one, unfortunately, split the uprights. (Heel pop) Good lord, we have a melee! This match is out of control! Phoenix is chasing Guardian of the Galaxy up the ramp! 3rdStone grabs Reignblood and those two are slugging it out! Wassup is on the hop, and he leaps onto the new Lightweight Champion Fbkid! They have unfinished business! Soadrules is staring down Miatay. What a slap! Mia just dropped her! Cat fight!

We need all hands on deck to try and restore this! Guardian and Phoenix are fighting it out on the entrance stage. There’s no padding there, just steel. DDT on the stage by Guardian! He’s staring down at Phoenix. Back in the ring, or not as the action spills out to ringside! Soadrules is out here near the broadcast postion. What are you doing?

Soad: It’s time for you to shut up! See that? That is a team of chaos. That is a team that can take orders!

Joe: This is the never-ending brawl! Where is Jaysfan going?

Soad: Up to the top, baby! These morons don’t deserve it, but they are going to see the most spectaclular move in blog wrestling, the T-DOT!

Joe: Somebody stop him! This is uncalled for! But he lands the T-DOT on an unconscious Fanofreds!

Soad: That’s how you make an impact, Joey!

Joe: Whoa! Miatay just grabbed Soadrules and slammed her head-first into the desk here! And the Cat Fight continues! Fbkid elevates Wassup over the top rope and out! Wait, what’s he up to? Off the ropes as Wassup gets to this feet, springboard off the ropes… OH MY GOD!!! The Shooting Star Press into a DDT! The SSP-DT!!! How does he do it? Fbkid is ecstatic! And this crowd is electric! Watch out! Cold Snap! Damn him! That punk kid is out of control! But look who is towering over him! Reignblood wants some of the young Canadian! Here we go! Reign has him up for a chokeslam! No, he fights out and hits a drop toe hold into the security wall! Let’s see you hit a Cold Snap on someone bigger than you! Soadrules is fleeing Miatay as T&R Girl eats the right hand of Your Fairy Thumbmother. Soad tosses Jaysfan a steel chair! No! Reignblood just ate the chair, thanks to that evil Jaysfan! (Big heel pop)

NO!!! Jaysfan just flattened YFT with a chair shot too! Get someone out here, NOW! Guardian is staring off the stage. This is frightening. GOTG picks up a sledgehammer from just off the stage. No, don’t do this! Phoenix is slowly getting to his feet near the edge of the stage. Guardian runs at him, hammer in hand. Watch out! Oh no! Phoenix ducks the sledgehammer, grabs Guardian and hits a spinebuster off the stage, and they both go flying off the stage through several tables in our production area! Sparks are flying, a small explosion as technical equipment was destroyed! This is bad. Neither man is moving. We need medical help!

(Joe drops his headset and races up to the scene to provide assistance, as we see replays from multiple angles of the spinebuster and its aftermath. Back live, we see Joe communicating with both men, and several superstars rush out to end the brawl by separating the fighters. Referees and EMTs rush to the scene, and Joe can be heard telling one of the medics, “Guardian can’t feel his legs.”)

Blog Commercial:
What do you get when you combine wrestling and politics? You get Political Championship Wrestling(PCW)! PHEW: Political Hardcore Extreme Wrestling! Check them out after the show for the latest!

(As we come back from commercial, we see replays of the brawl, including the Cold Snaps, the chair shots, and of course the spinebuster. The camera pans over the arena and then cuts backstage to Paul & Ron sprinting backstage.)

Paul: Nice work. You created more chaos in one match than I have in one year. I don’t know whether to kick your ass or invite you to the AOC.

Ron: Just shut up, ok?

Paul: Have you ever wondered why I didn’t try a 12-Person Tag? This is why!

(They reach the awaiting ambulances, where Guardian, The Phoenix, Fanofreds, and a Referee are all being wheeled individually into the waiting ambulances.)
Paul: This (pointing at the ambulances) is all your fault! Their blood is on your hands!
(Ron looks down, dejected but continues to check on the injured.)

(Camera cuts to ringside, where JD is sitting at the announcer table.)
JD: Welcome back to EBW UnCut. I’m JD, and we would like to apologize for the dysfunction here. I was just sent out here by Ron to cover for Joe. This is one of the most… I’m not sure words can truly describe what just happened here. Joe Payne is standing by with an update. Joe?

(Camera cuts to backstage as the last of the 4 ambulances departs behind Joe.)
Joe: Thanks JD. I just spoke with the EMTs. They told me Fanofreds is unconscious. They are could not confirm it, but I overheard one EMT say FOF may have a concussion. The referee is out cold. He is going to have an MRI as soon as possible. Guardian told me he could not feel his legs after that violent 10 foot drop off the stage. And worst of all, the full weight of The Phoenix fell on top of him as well. He is believed to have cracked ribs, and substantial back damage. They are especially concerned of his spinal cord. The Phoenix suffered considerably less damage, but when the table shattered beneath them, the metal brace that holds the table together caught him around the neck. I was unable to get a good look, but I did see heavy bandaging around the neck. All 4 men are being rushed to the Williamsport Hospital & Medical Center for a closer examination. I have never seen anything like this in my life. We thought the aftermath of the Hell Cage match at No Recovery was gruesome, but this is absolutely terrifying. Back to you, JD.

JD: Thanks Joe. I don’t know how to follow that.

(Camera cuts back to Ron Centeno & Paul Huffaker walking back to the office.)
Paul: Just to make sure our insurance covers it, is there anybody else you would like to put in the hospital tonight, or would you like to wait until the next UnCut so your body count isn’t as high?

Ron: Do you ever shut up? I should tell you now that I made a deal with BWE General Manager Afrank Angle. He allowed me to borrow a BWE Superstar in return for the same of EBW.

Paul: Interesting. Who did you get? The BWE Champion Mo Morrissey? Mojomike? Philly the Kid? Who?

Ron: You’ll have to wait to find out, but I will tell you he’s entered in your Ultimate Spin Tournament.

Paul: WHAT? Do you know what that means? A BWE Superstar could end up with an EBW Title shot!

Ron: I guess you could say I’m creating a useful chaos.
(Ron laughs and Paul scowls, as the camera fades to ringside.)

Ring Announcer: Our next match is an Ultimate Spin Challenge match! Introducing first, representing the Agents of Chaos, from New Jersey, here is Yankees3Fan7!
(Y3F7 comes out to a big heel pop as he holds up a briefcase to represent his guaranteed title shot, which he won at No Recovery.)

Ring Announcer: And his opponent… Are you sure? Ok. His opponent, from Beantown, USA, accompanied to the ring by his wife, from BWE here is Mr. & Mrs. Lanz! (Big face pop)

JD: Oh my! This must be who Ron was talking about! These two have unfinished business from No Recovery! After the match, Y3F7 spit onto Lanz as he was being stretchered to the back. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when Mrs. Lanz took offense, Y3F7 proceeded to Powerbomb her through a table! And Lanz is wasting little time as he sprints to the ring!

Ultimate Spin Challenge:
Yankees3Fan7 vs. Lanz (w/ Mrs. Lanz)

JD: That’s the bell, and it’s on! I will do my best here, first time I’ve ever called a match. Lanz is irate, looking for retribution! Y3F7 slides out of the ring to put distance between them. But Lanz is quickly on his heels! Y3F7 back in the ring, and he catches Lanz with an Axe Handle coming in. Y3F7 looks terrified. I bet he never expected to see Lanz! Y3F7 tries to slide out again, but Mrs. Lanz grabs his leg! Here comes Lanz! Big facebuster! Takes the mount position and is just pummeling Mr. Money in the Blog with punch after punch! The ref is doing his best to keep order as he pulls Lanz off, but Lanz is having none of it! He wants to punish Y3F7! Lanz charges, but Y3F7 with a Thumb to the eyes. The ref is admonishing the brash EBW star, who gives the ref the finger.

No respect here. Y3F7 hits a vicious spear! What is Mrs. Lanz up to? She is on the apron, holding a steel chair! The ref is trying to get her down, and he must not see the chair. Mrs. Lanz slides it in to Mr. Lanz. This could suck for Y3F7! The ref turns around just in time to see Lanz lay out Yankees3Fan7 with a wicked chair shot! He calls for the bell!

Winner- Yankees3Fan7 (by Disqualification)

JD: That was ill-advised, but the rage in Lanz is boiling over! He is attacking Y3F7 with the steel chair! Multiple shots here! He is wearing out Y3F7 with the chair! Once more and Y3F7 is bleeding after all the steel he has eaten. I’d say that was a 3-course meal of steel! Lanz is demanding Y3F7 stand up and “take it like the punk you are.” Beanball Punch! Y3F7 is down and out! Now what? (Big face heat)

Lanz is under the ring, and he pulls out a table! An eye for an eye? Lanz is setting up the table in the ring, and he’s calling for his wife to enter the ring. Lanz restrains Y3F7 as Mrs. Lanz rears back and slaps the taste out of Y3F7’s mouth! Now Lanz has Y3F7 in place on the table. But he’s under the ring again. Oh no, a ladder! Lanz puts the ladder in the ring and stands it up. He’s at the top of the ladder already! Mrs. Lanz spits on the prone body of Yankees3Fan7 and Lanz flies off the top with a huge Elbow Drop!!! (Huge face pop)

That is payback in tenfold! Mr. & Mrs. Lanz have made an impact on EBW and the Money in the Blog winner! The AOC can’t be happy about this!

Blog Commerical:
2009 is almost gone, and it was a spectacular year in blog wrestling! Now, you have a chance to relive the greatest moments of the year! Coming before the end of the year, BWE & EBW Present 2009: WTH? Only on Basic Bloganomics!

(Camera cuts backstage to Miatay following a stretcher with Yankees3Fan7 on it. On a side note, I really hope EBW gets a bulk discount on ambulances.)
Miatay: What was Ron thinking? He could not have thought this was a good idea! He let a BWE superstar attack an EBW superstar, and sanctioned it!

(Ron runs up, Paul in tow.)
Ron: How is he?

Mia: How is he? That’s a really stupid question! He just got beat to death with a chair, and then driven through a table! How do you think he is?

Ron: Are you ok, Mia? This is so unlike you.

Mia: I may not like the guy, but he represents EBW, and you let a BWE guy come in and take him out!

Paul: It’s ok Mia. Y3F7 is tough, and he will recover. Ron, would you like to bring BWE Champion Mo Morrissey to kick EBW Champion Lester’s Legends in the crotch? Or perhaps you would like to let Mojomike come in and bloody Reignblood? Or would you like to let Afrank Angle come right through the front door and tear down the E-Screen piece by piece!

Ron: I didn’t mean for this to happen…

Mia: WHAT DID YOU EXPECT???

(Camera cuts to the announce table where JD is sitting. Joe Payne is shown making his way back to ringside, where he sits down at the announce table and puts on a headset.)
JD: I’m happy to be joined by the Voice of EBW, Joe Payne.

Joe: Thanks JD. I can’t believe what’s going on tonight. This night will go down in the history of EBW as the most violent to date. I’ve been in contact with the Williamsport Hospital & Medical Center. We still have no updates on the 4 men sent to the Hospital earlier. As soon as we do, we will break in and get that information to you. And JD, I want to commend you on a great job so far.

JD: So far?

Joe: I hope you will stay out here at ringside and call the action tonight.

JD: Thanks Joe, I’m honored to do so. Enough about us though. Let’s send it back to Lester’s Legends, who has a message for his opponent tonight!

(Camera cuts to Lester in front of an HD screen backdrop.)
Lester: I’m not one for celebrations, but I don’t take kindly to someone attacking me. In fact, I get pissed off! So Dking, you want to make a name at my expense? Not happening, son! I’m going to show you why I’m the EBW Champion, and why I am “The Man” in EBW!

(Camera pans around the arena and sold out crowd!)
Ring Announcer: This is our Main Event! A Champion vs. Champion, non-title contest, scheduled for one fall! For this match, the 24/7 title defense rule of the Hardcore Championship will be waived. Introducing first, from Scottsdale, Arizona, he is the EBW Hardcore Champion! Dking!
(Dking holds the title high as he makes his way to the ring, a chorus of boos greet him as fans are unhappy with the way he treated Gymrome.)

RA: And introducing his opponent! From Zimmerman, Minnesota, he is the EBW Heavyweight Champion! He is the man, the myth, the Lester’s Legends!
(The EBW Champion receives a huge face pop as he makes his way to the ring, where he poses for the fans with the title belt.)

Champion vs. Champion:
Dking vs. Lester’s Legends

Joe: What a Main Event we have, JD! This all started at the top of the show when tempers flared over Championship gold, leading to a sneak attack by the Hardcore Champion.

JD: And that attack proved to be Dking’s downfall, as an innocent Clothesline over the security barrier lead to a “Fan” covering the champion and, thanks to the 24/7 rule, winning the Hardcore Championship. That “Fan” turned out to be Gymrome! Gym was blindsided by an irate Dking, who won back the title. There’s the bell, and it’s on!

Joe: Catchphrase already?

JD: I guess so. These two had to be separated by security, but they’re turned loose here! Lester charges, big Clothesline! And Lester puts the boots to Dking on the mat! He throws in an elbow drop for variety, and Dking has to roll under the ropes to stop the EBW Champion’s rage.

Joe: Smart strategy there. Dking’s on the apron, and he grabs Lester’s head and drives it down hard across the top rope! That move goes by a lot of different names, I’ll call it a Hangman just to move the match along. Dking’s back in, and Lester’s stunned. Big slam by Dking, and follows with a leg drop. Here’s the first cover of the match, and he only gets a 1.

JD: Joe, why did he go for such an early pin? A simple leg drop is not powerful enough to end a match.

Joe: I wouldn’t let Hulk Hogan hear that! Good question, as Dking throws Lester into the corner and drives the shoulder into the gut repeatedly. What that early pin does is force Lester to spend energy to kick out. A kick out sounds routine, but imagine having a 200+ pound person lying on top of you and you try to push that person off. It is not an easy feat for the average person. Big chop in the corner by Dking.

JD: I did not know that. That makes sense. Lester reverses another chop and gives Dking a dose of his medicine! He’s chopping Dking enough to turn his chest an ugly shade of red! Dking collapses out of the corner, and this capacity crowd is eating it up!

Joe: That’s a trap! Dking rakes the eyes as Lester pulls him to his feet. Chop Block! Illegal in the NFL but not in EBW!

JD: Did you see Lester’s ankle roll over? He may be hurt bad.

Joe: That could be a severe sprain, but he will fight through the pain.

JD: What a vicious knee drop by Dking, right onto that possibly injured ankle! I guess he’s not here to make friends.

Joe: A win over the EBW Champion puts you right at the top of the contenders’ list. As much as we may hate his tactics, they work. Dking wraps up the leg, and puts pressure on the ankle. Lester is howling as he swings in vain at Dking. If Lester taps out, the match is over!

JD: Lester is reaching for the ropes, and he gets there! That means Dking has to break the hold, and he has the referee’s 5 count to do so, or he’s DQ’ed. Dking reluctantly breaks the hold, but he gets in the ref’s face. He’s still risking disqualification here! Look out!

Joe: Lester wanted to surprise Dking with a big spear, but Dking sidestepped and the referee ate it, in one big bite! No ref means no rules. And this fight is about to become a brawl! Lester grabs a steel chair, and he’s chasing Dking around the ring with it! He swings for his head, but cracks the steel ring post!

JD: The vibrations made him drop the chair, and Dking hits a DDT onto the chair! Dking grabs Lester’s head and slams it back down onto the chair! Lester is trying to get to his feet, but as he gets to his knees Dking hits a leg drop onto the steel chair! Dking rolls Lester into the ring as the ref begins to stir. Dking gets the cover! 1-2, he kicked out!

Joe: I don’t know how Lester kicked out! It must have been pure instinct! Dking is in shock as he rolls out of the ring. Lester is hot on his heels, and they are slugging it out here at ringside! The count is up to 3 from the referee!

JD: Dking charges Lester, but he sidesteps and Dking takes a mouthful of the ring post! The ref is up to 5! Lester slams Dking’s face into the ring post! The count’s at 7! They need to be back in by 10! Lester is setting up Dking near the corner of ringside. Oh my! Lester Catapulted Dking over the security barrier and into the crowd! This crowd is electric! But the count is at 9! Hurry! No! 10! Lester realized too late the 10-count!

Result- Double Count Out!

Joe: Lester may not have won, but he sent a message that he is not one to be screwed with!

JD: I’ve just received word that after the commercial, we will have 3rdStone’s forced spin of the Ultimate Spin wheel!

Blog Commercial:
The fallout of No Recovery continues as BWE ThrowDown! returns in 2010 with a new General Manager, a new Management Director, and more attitude than ever! Come see the best superstars in BWE and see new stars made every show. And our GM isn’t power hungry!

(Paul, Ron, & 3rdStone are in the ring with the big wheel. 3rdStone is on his Sprint cell phone.)
Paul: It’s time for the final spin of the big wheel!

Ron: And it’s going to be 2 spins! I have decided that I will give the wheel a spin on behalf of the injured Yankees3Fan7, who did win his match earlier tonight! But first, 3rdStone will take his spin! Are you ready, Williamsport? (Cheap pop)

3rd: You know, I have not even competed in the tournament yet, and I’m still being forced to spin this wheel of evil? This sucks!

Paul: Well, before you spin, I would like to tell you who you will be facing in the Ultimate Spin Challenge, that is if you survive the spin! On the first episode of CutDown, which will premiere in early 2010, it will be 3rdStoneFromTheSun vs. the returning Gymrome! Now, spin the wheel.

(3rd is shocked, but gives the wheel a big spin. It speeds past You’re Fired, slows down at Free Spin, almost stops on Free Championship Match, and then stops on…)
Ron: Book A Match! Congratulations 3rdStone! You get to book a match, and hopefully you’ll do a better job than Paul!

(3rd’s cell phone, a Sprint Palm Pre, rings and he picks it up and talks intently.)
Ron: And now, for Y3F7’s spin, I’ll gladly do the honors!

(Ron tugs on the wheel hard. It roars into motion and flies past You’re Screwed!, rolls along past You’re Out, and stops on…)
Ron: Pick the Stip! That means Y3F7 will get to choose the stipulation for his match in the Round of 8!

3rd (to on his cell phone): Ok. No sir, thank you. I will make that announcement right now.

Ron: 3rdStone, what’s going on?

3rd: Well, I just received a call from a friend, and he made me an offer I could not refuse. I have sold my Book a Match option.

Paul: To who?

(The E-Screen goes dark. It then posts up a simple sentence in white text, reading “On Great Trades.” A face fills the screen, and the crowd cheers loudly.)

Paul: Oh crap.

(The face is that of BWE General Manager Afrank Angle.)

Angle: I have only been GM of BWE ThrowDown for a few weeks, and already I have made better deals than you, Paul! As I promised, I plan to cleanup not just ThrowDown, but EBW UnCut as well! There is no better way to do that than to come to EBW and get my hands dirty. That is why I made the deal with 3rdStone, an excellent talent might I add. Now, I have the keys to your kingdom, Paul! I will see you in 2010 at the next EBW UnCut. Can you imagine what match I have in store? (Laughs) I look forward to coming to EBW, and Paul, bring your wrestling gear. I have a feeling you may need it!

Joe: Our GM has been bitten by his own crazy concoction!

JD: What does the BWE GM have in store for EBW?

Joe: Good night everybody, and tune in later this month when JD & I take a look back at the best of EBW & BWE 2009!

EBW UnCut is in conjuction with Basic Bloganomics.

© Copyright 2009. Property of Basic Bloganomics. All rights reserved. Any publication or retransmission without the express written consent of Basic Bloganomics is strictly prohibited.

Written by Paul Huffaker.
Portions of the No Recovery! replay at the beginning of the show written by David Funk.

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Posted in: blog wrestling, EBW, EBW UnCut, Extreme Blog Wrestling, wrestling

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