Blogger's Court: Big Sooners fan vs Troll Coaliation ~ Basic Bloganomics

Originally posted on October 12, 2006 on my SN blog.

Your regularly scheduled program will be pre-empted tonight to bring you this special presentation.

Reporter: We take you inside the courtroom as both sides are about to enter....

The Troll Coalition(P)
vs.
Big Sooners fan(D)

Reporter: Coming into the courtroom now is the plaintiffs, the Troll Coalition. The Troll Coalition is charging Big Sooners fan with many counts of assault on trolls. He's also being charged with aggravated replies to user blogs on Sporting News, and with having blog entries that are far different than other users. Representing the Troll Coalition is attorney, Jack Schitt.
(The Troll Coalition takes their place in front of their table)
Reporter: Coming into the courtroom now is the defendant David Funk aka Big Sooners fan of SN. He claims that he's insane, and that's why he has those outrageous posts. He's pleading not guilty to charges to aggravated assault. Instead, he's pleading insanity in this case, and is filing a counter claim of illegal thumbing down of blogs by The Troll Coalition. Representing Big Sooners fan is his attorney, Sabre Blade.
(BSF takes his place at the table)

Bailiff: All Rise! The honorable judge Mya Rights is residing.
Judge Rights: You maybe seated.
(Everyone is seated, and the bailiff hands the paperwork to the judge)
Judge Rights: Now this is the case of The Troll Coalition vs Big Sooners fan. Now we will start with the plaintiffs. Tell me, why are we here today?
Attorney Schitt: We're here today because of this so-called 5-star SN member who does nothing but bash trolls in his posts! He knows nothing about sports and has no creativity whatsoever. He also leaves aggravated replies to other member blogs. So far, I have not seen any proof whatsoever of my clients having thumbed down other members. He recently wrote a song that talked about the Thumb & Run Guy. There was no need for that, and he knows full well that he's NOT insane. He knew what he was doing the whole time. Plus, he is trying to legally make my clients compete in a wrestling event against other SN members.
Judge Rights: So you are telling me that Big Sooners fan is not insane?
Attorney Schitt: Yes, that's exactly what I am saying.
Judge Rights: Okay. So what do you have to say on behalf of Big Sooners fan?
Attorney Blade: BSF has a serious problem. He's completely insane, and that is why he has posts like he does. Now saying that he has no creativity is completely false. I will say that my client is creatively insane. To even question that my client knows nothing about sports is about as inaccurate as you can get. He's willing to get help for his problem, including checking himself into an Insane Asylum and/or Sports Addiction clinic to control his problem.
Judge Rights: BSF, is this true that you are willing to check yourself into those clinics?
BSF: Yes, your honor.
Judge Rights: Something to add prosecution?
Attorney Schitt: Yes, I do. I can't believe SN has not done nothing to him for this kind of posting. If I could, I would like to call my witness up right now.
Judge Rights: Call your first witness.
Attorney Schitt: The prosecution calls the Thumb & Run Guy(T&R) to the stand.
Bailiff: Raise your right hand.
(Thumb & Run Guy raises his right hand)
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Thumb & Run Guy: I do.
Bailiff: State your name for the record.
Thumb & Run Guy: Thumb & Run Guy.
Attorney Schitt: Tell me T&R Guy, what's your job on TSN?
Thumb & Run Guy: I don't read posts, and thumb members down sometimes for really no reason.
Attorney Schitt: Do you contribute alot to TSN?
Thumb & Run Guy: Yes, I do. I'm respected by all trolls in the community.
Attorney Schitt: Tell us what BSF has been doing to the trolls?
Thumb & Run Guy: He's calling us out and aggravating us.
Attorney Schitt: No further questions your honor.
Judge Rights: Any questions for the defense team?
Attorney Blade: Yes, I do. How many times have you thumbed down other members?
Thumb & Run Guy: ??????
Attorney Blade: Have you ever replied to user blogs?
Thumb & Run Guy: ??????
Attorney Schitt: OBJECTION! The Thumb & Run Guy is not on trial here.
Attorney Blade: Your honor, I'm trying to establish relevance here.
Judge Rights: Overruled. You may answer the questions, T&R Guy.
Thumb & Run Guy: No, and no.
Attorney Blade: Why not?
Thumb & Run Guy: ??????
Judge Rights: Answer the question with your reply T&R Guy.
Attorney Blade: No further questions your honor.
Judge Rights: You may step down, T&R Guy. Any other witnesses, prosecution?
Attorney Schitt: The prosecution rests.
Attorney Blade: The defense is requesting a brief recess.
Judge Rights: The court will allow a 15 minute recess.
(Everyone leaves the courtroom)

Reporter: We have to take a break. What will the jury rule in this case? We will be right back.

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Reporter: Now let's take you back into the courtroom as all parties have returned.
Judge Rights: Defense, do you have any witnesses that you want to call to the stand?
Attorney Blade: Yes, your honor. The Defense calls Kathy Sheldon to the stand.
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Ms. Sheldon: I do.
Bailiff: State your name for the record:
Ms. Sheldon: Kathy Sheldon.
Attorney Blade: What do you do for TSN?
Ms. Sheldon: I'm an on-line sports journalist for SN.
Attorney Blade: Is BSF on your friend's list?
Ms. Sheldon: Yes, he is.
Attorney Blade: What do you think of BSF?
Ms. Sheldon: He's a leader in our community. He gets what we are trying to do around here. His blog is unique as well, and I've been his friend for sometime now.
Attorney Blade: No further questions, your honor.
Judge Rights: Any cross-examination by the prosecution?
Attorney Schitt: Yes, your honor. Did you or did you not say that you enjoy the lighthearted jabs at the trolls by BSF?
Ms. Sheldon: Yes, I did.
Attorney Schitt: So you let that slide, and did nothing to him about it?
Attorney Blade: OBJECTION! Ms. Sheldon is not on trial here.
Judge Rights: Sustained. You don't have to answer the question, Ms. Sheldon.
Attorney Schitt: No further questions, you honor.
Judge Rights: You may step down, Ms. Sheldon. Call your next witness.
Attorney Blade: The defense calls mojomike to the stand.
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Mojomike: I do.
Bailiff: State your name for the record.
Mojomike: mojomike.
Attorney Blade: What do you do in the community, mojomike?
Mojomike: I play in very competitive fantasy leagues, and post blog entries and on the message boards and news sections.
Attorney Blade: How would you describe BSF?
Mojomike: He's a great guy and friend. However, BSF is NUTS!
Attorney Blade: Why do you think BSF is "nuts"?
Mojomike: Because I don't know how he comes up with some of the stuff that he comes up with! Like I said, he's NUTS! He comes up with stuff you won't see from anyone else.
Attorney Blade: Why......
Mojomike: I will say it again, he's NUTS!
Judge Rights: Anymore outbursts in here, and I will throw you out of here mojomike.
Attorney Blade: No further questions your honor.
Judge Rights: Any cross-examination prosecution?
Attorney Schitt: Yes, your honor. Does your blog get thumbed down?
Mojomike: Yes, it does on occasion.
Attorney Schitt: I saw that you did not like having your blog thumbed down on a past BSF Today Show. Is that true?
Mojomike: Yes, it is.
Attorney Schitt: You also liked the "Were not gonna rate it" song which takes shots at trolls in that SN Community Soundtrack. Is that true?
Attorney Blade: OBJECTION! C'mon, judge. Mojomike is not on trial either.
Judge Rights: Sustained.
Mojomike: No, I'll answer the question! Yeah, BSF is NUTS! But I loved that track!
Judge Rights: Okay, that is your last warning mojomike!
Attorney Schitt: No further questions, your honor.
Judge Rights: You may step down mojomike. Anymore witnesses, Defense?
Attorney Blade: Yes, one more your honor. The Defense calls robins runners to the stand.
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Robins runners: I do.
Bailiff: State your name for the record.
Robins runners: robins runners.
Attorney Blade: What do you do on SN?
Robins runners: I play fantasy games and write blogs on SN.
Attorney Blade: How would you describe BSF?
Robins runners: He's a great guy and friend. However, he's crazy! I think he's even more crazy now since I keep beating him in fantasy football leagues!
Attorney Blade: How......
Robins runners: He's crazy!!!!!!
Judge Rights: Anymore outbursts, and I'll throw you out of here.
Robins runners: Yes, your honor. But, BSF needs help because he's crazy!
Attorney Blade: No more questions your honor.
Judge Rights: Any cross-examination, prosecution?
Attorney Schitt: Did you like BSF's entry about the TSN Community Soundtrack?
Robins runners: Yes, it was great!!!!!
Attorney Schitt: So......
Robins runners: It was great!!!!!!
Judge Rights: Okay, that's your last warning robins runners.
Robins runners: Yes, your honor.
Attorney Schitt: So you liked that track, too?
Attorney Blade: OBJECTION! OBJECTION! I can't believe this. Robins runners isn't on trial either.
Judge Rights: Sustained. Attorney Schitt, if you keep it up, I will hold you in contempt. Don't answer the question robins runners.
Attorney Schitt: Yes, your honor. Not further questions.
Judge Rights: You may step down robins runners.
Attorney Blade: No more witnesses. I would like to bring this document for evidence that the Thumb & Run Guy lied under oath. I would also like to present an official statement from BSF's Pyschologist, Tim(3peatTrojans), that basically states that he needs help. It's signed by 3peat.
(Bailiff takes the documents and hands it to the judge)
Judge Rights: I can see by the many blogs on here that the Thumb & Run Guy has indeed thumbed down other blogs. You, Mr. Thumb & Run Guy will now be held in contempt. I will take the other document into consideration.
Attorney Blade: The Defense rests now your honor. I would like to request another brief recess.
Judge Rights: Yes, I will grant another brief recess.

Reporter: We will have closing arguments when we return.

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Reporter: Now let's go inside the courtroom for closing arguments, as the prosecution starts first......

Judge Rights: Prosecution, you may now provide your closing argument.
Attorney Schitt: You heard the case here. BSF is NOT insane, and it has been shown here today. Should we allow this to continue? The trolls are what makes SN what it is, and not the great members. BSF accumulates enemies and should not be allowed to post on here anymore. He has repeatedly aggravated members and trolls alike. I hope you the jury will punish him to the fullest extent, and not allow him on SN any longer as well as in other communities and blogs. Do the right thing, and keep feeding the Troll Coalition.
Judge Rights: Defense, now you may provide your closing argument.
Attorney Blade: My client is one of the best members on this site. He's insane, and we have even proven that with his pyschology report. I won't deny that he needs help, but he should not be removed from SN or anywhere else as a result of his illness. BSF has been blogging for over a year, and has accumulated many friends despite his illness. He has done alot for SN and other bloggers, and it would be a shame to see him thrown in prison for these crimes that are as a result of his insanity. That's my case, and I hope you the jury can see that BSF just needs help, and that he means well in the community. I hope you will do the right thing, and not charge him with any crime. Thank you.
Judge Rights: Okay, I'm going to take a very brief recess, as the jury will give me their verdict upon returning.

Reporter: OK, that was quick. This doesn't look good for BSF with the jury coming back so soon. Let's take it back to the courtroom to hear the verdict.

Judge Rights: Defendants please rise. Have you the jury reached a verdict?
Juror: Yes, your honor.
Judge Rights: Okay, let's hear it.
Juror: On charges of aggravated assault to the Troll Coalition, we the jury find the Defendant...Not Guilty.
(BSF breathes a sigh of relief)
Juror: On charges of aggravated replies to user blogs, we the jury find the Defendant...Not Guilty.
(BSF breathes a sigh of relief)
Juror: On charges of having a blog that is far different than that of other users, we the jury find the Defendant...Guilty.
(BSF is shocked)
BSF: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
Judge Rights: ORDER!!!!!!!!!!(Slamming the hammer!)
(everyone calms down)
Judge Rights: We're therefore going to send you to an Insane Asylum, and you're also required to check into a Sports Addiction clinic. We're doing this for your own good. We hope this will help you solve your problem. You will be required to participate in both, and will have to do so until further notice. I sincerely hope this will help you. Is there any last requests that you would like to make before checking into those clinics?
BSF: Yes, your honor. I would like to request that robins runners take over the BSF Today Show with an episode or two.
Judge Rights: Your request will be granted as long as robins runners agrees with this. Do you agree to do this, robins runners?
Robins runners: Yes, your honor. I'll cover for BSF while he tries to get the help he needs.
Judge Rights: Okay, based on the evidence that the Thumb & Run Guy lied on the witness stand, I'm now going to deal with that. I'll now force you, the Troll Coalition, to participate in the upcoming wrestling events that are run by BSF. Even if BSF does not recover before then, you'll be wrestling at any event as a result of lying under oath. So the events that he has coming up that was to involve you guys, will happen now. Court is now adjourned.
(Slams the hammer)

Reporter: There you have it. I think the jury made the right decision here. Nice to see that BSF gets to keep his blog and show by allowing someone else to run things while he gets help. That is all, and thanks for tuning in to this special presentation.

This has been a presentation of BSFE Productions.

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